


Ashfall

by Wakelyn



Category: Big Iron - Marty Robbins (Song), Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Comedy, Parody, Western
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21785773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wakelyn/pseuds/Wakelyn
Summary: When the scoundrel Red and his gang of Outpaws threaten the clans at the lake, only a really cool and mysterious stranger can save them. Originally written as a midterm assignment for Warrior CatsCo at Oberlin College.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Ashfall

Blunderstone was a super handsome and smart cat who had a lot of really good ideas about politics and open borders. Because of his smart good ideas and handsomeness and wit, all of the girl cats and boy cats and gender nonconforming cats loved him! He was a kittypet, but, like, a cool kittypet, who hung out with Firestar on weekends. Then, when his twolegs were killed during a peaceful protest--

No, I can’t do this. Start over.

Ashfall was a strong, but rather simple kittypet who lived happily with his two twolegs and his—

No, this isn’t right either. The story doesn’t start there.

Red was a drifter. He moseyed on into the lake territories one night with one goal, and one goal only: raise hell. He gathered a ragtag pawsse of outlaws from ’cross the clan territories and beyond: Sharp, whose claws were sharp enough to cut stone; Dust, who was sneaky enough to pass through the Shadowclan camp unnoticed; Bear, who was strong enough to beat a badger with one paw tied behind his back; Shade, who was fast enough to run around the lake in under an hour; and Decimator, who wasn’t really useful, but they kept him around just to be nice. Before long, the clans had lost twenty cats to Red’s gang, who had holed up in… I dunno, some cliff place? With snakes? Do they have one of those by the lake? Probably. Point is, a whole lotta cats had died, and the clans weren’t sure what to do. None of the clans wanted to round up a pawsse to take Red out, for fear they’d lose too many folks and end up in a position of weakness. So, Red continued his dastardly work, untouched by any of the fearful clans. Red’s gang overhunted, killed with no regard for feline life, and smelled real, real bad.

Now, nobody quite knows what the clans woulda done if Ash hadn’t shown up. Maybe Red woulda left eventually. Maybe not. Either way, when Ash drifted into town, sidling up Main Street (uh, the tree thing? that leads to the lake? sure), the clans knew one thing: they had had about enough of these heck darn drifters. [insert very strong cat here] came out front and challenged the gray newcomer:

“Who are you? What’s your business here?”

“Ah don’t gotta answer none o’ yer questions,” the newcomer said, rather impolitely.

“Fine then. I’ll drive you out myself!” [strong cat] leapt for the newcomer, who [insert cool fight stuff here].

“Wow, you’re really strong!” [insert well-respected cat here] said. “What’s your name?”

“The name’s Ash,” the newcomer said, spitting on the ground in a very badass and cool fashion. “Ah’m here to kill Red.” (wait, can cats spit? look this up later)

The clan cats gasped in shock. “How? What? Why?”

“Have any o’ ny’all fought him yet?”

“Yes!” cried a Windclan cat. “That damn Shade was just too fast for us!”

“Us too!” said a cat from Shadowclan. “But Dust was too sneaky!”

“Same here!” yelled a Riverclan representative. “But Bear was too strong!”

“Also us as well!” ejaculated a Thunderclan warrior, redundantly. “But Sharp’s… claws… were too strong? Alright, we’ll go with that!”

“Wait, are we here now?” asked someone from Skyclan. “I can’t keep track! Either way, Decimator was somehow even more auxiliary than we are!”

Ash looked around at these cats, too caught up in their petty politics and ancestral squabbles to deal with one uppity outlaw (wait, outpaw? fuck, i should have thought of that earlier) and a gang of criminals, and he knew what he had to do.

“Listen up, ny’all,” he drawled cowboyishly. “Ah’m gonna need to put together a pawsse to take down Red.”

“We’ll help!” said [windclan leader]

“No, we’re way better!” explained [shadowclan leader]

“Wait, we could do it!” called [riverclan leader]

“We’re the protagonists!” yelled [thunderclan leader]

“We’re utterly unimportant, but we also need to request that you ally with us in order for this story to function!” exposited [does skyclan even have a leader?]

“Alright, ah accept.”

“Accept who???” every single cat on the island cried in unison.

“All o’ ny’all. Ah’m makin’ an inter-clan pawsse o’ sorts. None o’ ny’all can beat Red’s crew alone, can ya?”

The clans hemmed and hawed. Cooperation between the clans to take down one common threat? This had never happened before in the history of the past five minutes.

“Well?”

“We can’t!” said one of the leaders. “How are we supposed to keep up our feline ethnostates intact if we work together??”

Hang on, now. Let’s not bring this back into Blunderstone territory.

“Fine then. Ah’ll do it mahself.”

Ash turned and walked away, the setting sun framing his silhouette as he went. Nobody stopped to wonder how the half-hollered heck-hell the sun was setting at moonhigh.

The clans sat and debated long into the night, some regretting their decision to let Ash go. After all, he had beaten [really strong cat]. Wasn’t there a chance that he could beat Red, too, if he had help?

Now, storytelling convention dictates that a character must go through some sort of ordeal or incident in order to develop. However, I often find that introspection is where much true personal growth begins. Also, writing in an ordeal or incident sounds like too much work.

Finally, the clans collectively picked their five best cats, and sent them after Ash. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too late.

I guess they were worried about it for a while because they had to walk there, but this is a story, so you’re just getting to skip to the good part and miss all of the tension. Just trust me when I say it was really tense and scary.

They found Ash camping just outside [spooky cliff place], snoring gently. As they approached, he woke up, and eyed them.

“Glad ny’all came around,” he said. Then, without waiting for a response, he turned and walked toward Red’s lair.

The battle was really cool and fun, but you’re here for that good character shit, and I’m not here to deny you that. Let me just say: it was awesome. Throat biting. Belly scratching. Whole lot of one-liners. At least three flips. Everything you could want in a battle, really. Good stuff.

The battle had moved outside to the thin cliff pathways, with the clan cats pairing off against the cats they were best against instead of trying to outdo each other in just one stat. Basic strategy stuff. You’ve played Fire Emblem. I mean, I haven’t, but I assume that’s how it works.

Anyway, Red and Ash were facing off in the cave near the top of the cliff, staring each other down in a prolonged and intense fashion. [You could almost hear music whistling along in the background*.  
Red smiled, tipping his head forward. “You’ve bulked up since the last time I saw ya, Ash.”

Ash didn’t respond. He only stared at Red, pure hatred filling his eyes.

“What, still cryin’ over that friend of yours? Lemme tell ya, Ash, he really wasn’t all that special. Plenty of cats in the forest, right?” Red chuckled. Wait, fuck. Can cats chuckle? Okay, he did something akin to chuckling.

Ash still didn’t respond. He and Red circled each other, and Red’s fur caught the moonlight shining in from the mouth of the cave, making him glow like some kind of whatever the cat equivalent of a demon is. He had Red right where he wanted him.

Red snarled. “What, too good for me now? Too high and mighty to talk to an old friend? Come on, let’s chit-chat. Head down to the cat-saloon and grab some cat-whiskey. Help me get rid of those clan cats out there, and join up with me. Just like old times.” He paused. “Dammit, Ash, come on! I don’t got all night! Are you with me, or not?”

Finally, Ash spoke. “Ah’m with ya.”

Then, Ash launched himself forward, barreling into Red. Red yelped in surprise and tried to brace himself on the cave floor, but the dusty and unclean ground combined with Ash’s considerable weight were too much for him. The cats on the cliff outside stopped their battle and watched in horror as both sides’ leaders plummeted to the hard ground below.

The clan cats raced down the cliff. The outpaws just stood there, frozen. They didn’t know what to do. Finally, the clan cats reached the bottom, and rushed to the two furred forms.

Red lay completely still, his neck broken by the fall. His glassy eyes stared into the fading moon, catching one last glint of the silvery light before it was drowned out by the orange and purple tapestry of the dawn sky.

Ash lay on top of him, eyes closed. His muscles looked stiff, bruised. Blood trickled from a cut on his head. His leg was twisted unnaturally.

Slowly, he stood up.

Red’s gang moved into action, trying to scamper down the cliff as quickly as they could to flee. Ironically, Decimator was the only one who made it down without getting hurt.

The clan cats picked Ashfall up (it took all five of them, if you don’t know that he’s very big and heavy at this point then I don’t know what to tell you) and carried him back to the island, where the clans waited fearfully. When the cats arrived carrying Ashfall, for a moment the gathered clans thought that they had lost; Ash’s pawsse quickly set the record straight.

As the sun rose, the clans celebrated Ash’s victory. He was offered a spot in each of the clans, and he politely but gruffly declined. As a compromise, the leaders bestowed upon him an honorary warrior name: Ashfall. He thanked them, then as soon as his leg was healed, he left, retreating into the sunset and leaving no trace behind but corpses, dust, and justice.

Oh, also, he was wearing a cowboy hat the whole time. I guess I forgot to bring that up.

**Author's Note:**

> *https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y7Z6r22STo


End file.
